Falling Off the Edge of the World

Surely, if I've not fallen off the edge of the world, I feel I've fallen into its depths the last few months. I'm only, just now, poking my head back up to say, "Hello? Anyone out there? Anyone home?" 

As we nearly breathe November air, we are just now breathing in the presence of one another around home. He's been absent from home 90% of our days since June 1st; a demanding mill start-up calling his name.

By God's grace, we hold each other close and are grateful the distance has passed, so too the most difficult season of a mill start-up. Machines begin to manufacture, albeit slowly, and he's home. We are once again a family. Together, as one season changes to another.

School has also been a massive deep dive this year with both kids transitioning to new school environments in two different towns.  One, is hybrid home schooling in the morning with me and then attends classes the remainder of the day. The other is adjusting to longer days, a commute, and way more homework.

This afternoon, the hyrbid schooler has happily volunteered to forgo his book report, Around the World in 80 Days, for chucking pumpkins, my elementary STEM experiment this coming week. STEM Coordination is a new journey for me this fall.

I'm still processing how/when to write about STEM; that will come in time. I'm up to my ears in K-12 STEM visioning and execution for which a growth mindset is required. I will say that taking a lifestyle of STEM from the home schooling environment to a K-12  school program is a leap of faith, no matter which way you jump.

Enough about all that, let's talk books. Some, as of late, favorites...

Hillbilly Elegy A thought provoking read. I'm still trying to process his story through the lens of our time in a poor area of the south, and those we know involved in Oregon foster care, CASA, and Safe Families. How to find solutions for the white poor? We need to hear what JD Vance has to say.

Spare Parts Watched the movie last night. Loved it! Working my way through the book. Another engaging story, and close up look at the incredible accomplishments of 4 boys. Addresses the issues of immigration and deportation and the impact upon families.

A Sudden Country  Fisher's prose is amazing. One of the teachers at Fishtrap in the Wallowas.

Everyone Brave Is Forgiven This was wonderful.

The Things They Carried I came late to read this. When my children are older it will be required reading. The cost of war on the soul? Heart wrenching.  

Right now, words and the time to write them is limited. I have continued to work on a Safe Families book, and also write about Thomas Nuttall. I'm finding him on the trails again. I printed out the 210 pages I've written on him thus far, to get me off my duff and back into his time.

In time, I'll find words again for this space. Hopefully, more than I have this past summer, but for now I leave you with a few September and October explorations and memories.
A 36 hour Labor Day trip to Hellgate JetBoat Excursions on the Rogue was a blast!

Maker Faire Portland was a winner! The people are great. Fifty Licks was there with the most AMAZING ice cream! Vegan too!

 Then we celebrated this young man :-) Love you, Dad!

The tots are no longer tiny. As such, they helped bring about a lovely anniversary dinner with hand inked menus. 

We then wandered east one weekend for Mt. Angel Octoberfest. What a milieu!

We picked up a little beer at the Abbey. Understanding that if it wasn't to our liking, we'd gift it to family at Christmas...not gonna happen.

He came for a couple nights in September with Safe Families. 

Prayers for this young one to be safe, secure, and happy.

They were all listening to sister read a bedtime story.

The wall project is slowly nearing completion. 65' of rock. I put in a whole bevy of plants before the rains began. So far, I've only lost two plants to deer. I'm buying more lavender and rosemary to be on the safe side and tucking that in around the others.

Slimy, out of the rain.

October held wet wet weather, but we soaked up the warmth with dear friends in from the east coast for a wet weekend at the ocean.

 Cherished

Friends

Time

Well, that has been most of our last two months. Besides, just getting dinner on the table and the school work done, soccer games and practices, music, field trips, community kitchen, and church. Being a friend. Making new friends. Working to connect with old friends.

In all this, I appreciate single mothers (and fathers) in new ways and with greater depth. They accomplish and face each day with grace and grit, and often we never ever see it or recognize their efforts or them. 

And as I sit here, I realize this is exactly what I needed today: to process pictures and be reminded of my blessings amidst all the busyness, chaos, and stress of the past season. In the middle of it all, including our elections, there is a Light.

He lifts our loads and makes them seem a bit easier to carry, and makes possible any of the reaching out and risking we do. And as we write and work, He cares for our lives and listens right along with us to the Chipmunks squeaking on the vinyl LP. It's all good.

May November be thankful.

Blessings,
Kim

Child Abuse Prevention: YOU

    We have a crisis of child abuse in our nation because we have a crisis of care for children.

    The week began with our family hosting a 4 ½ year old boy for 3 days. When we dropped him off on Tuesday night, my heart was raw from the goodbye. A few days later on April 21st, we attend a Marion County Safe Families event at the Salem Public Library. Listening to District Attorney Walt Beglau my heart hurt. Our nation's children are facing the loss of their childhood. Is an American childhood a thing of the past, and if so, why?

The Loss of Family and Fathers

   Our children are paying the toll for our moving into and out of relationships as it suits us. Separation from a parent is a huge cost for children and it's impacting them.

   Younger generations of Americans are struggling to commit to the idea of lasting relationships, and the average length of marriage in the US is about 8.8 years.

   Harper Lee said, “You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family...,” but we've increasingly decided choosing our family is up to us, regardless of the consequences for the children in our lives. They pay the social, mental, emotional, and physical cost of our choosing to disconnect from our commitments so quickly, or not commit at all.

   Yet, we have virtually no mental health budget for juveniles in Oregon. District Attorney Beglau brought up the lack of access to mental health services as one of the new great challenges to our youth. Suicide rates are at an all time high.

Prevalence of ACEs by Category for CDC-Kaiser ACE Study Participants by Sex, Waves 1 and 2.

ACE Category	Women	Men	Total
	Percent (N = 9,367)	Percent (N = 7,970)	Percent (N = 17,337)
ABUSE
Emotional Abuse	13.1%	7.6%	10.6%
Physical Abuse	27%	29.9%	28.3%
Sexual Abuse	24.7%	16%	20.7%
HOUSEHOLD CHALLENGES
Mother Treated Violently	13.7%	11.5%	12.7%
Household Substance Abuse	29.5%	23.8%	26.9%
Household Mental Illness	23.3%	14.8%	19.4%
Parental Separation or Divorce	24.5%	21.8%	23.3%
Incarcerated Household Member	5.2%	4.1%	4.7%
NEGLECT
Emotional Neglect3	16.7%	12.4%	14.8%
Physical Neglect3	9.2%	10.7%	9.9%

   
   Family arrangements are linked to economic outcomes, which in turn are associated with the environment in which kids are raised, according to a Pew Research Center report. Kids living in cohabiting families or single-parent families are two to three times more likely than kids in married-parent families to be living in poverty. (Pew Research)

ACE Pyramid From Kaiser

    The breakdown of belonging, and the breakdown of the family, go hand in hand with the rise of anguish, of loneliness, and of chronic self-centeredness. And here we find the roots of our great social unrest. ~ Jean Vanier, Founder of L'Arche Communities in his book Becoming Human

Violent Games and Media

   Our children's access to violent video games, technology, TV, and movies is creating a violent society all around us and robbing them of healthy emotional and social development.

   I remember when my son was in 2nd grade. A student in the class told me he was allowed to play Grand Theft Auto. THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON. This game is full of incredibly realistic violence and a user may "pay" for the services of a prostitute to recover their health and kill them to get some of their money back.

   Even the 4 year old who stayed with us this past week told me he's allowed to play Fast and Furious on his phone, which pits drivers against law enforcement officers, has profane language, is filled with drug use, and has half-dressed women kissing each other.

   We sit in shock. We wonder where our mass school shootings come from - our children are totally detached from the consequences of screen violence and more importantly real human hearts. No wonder we, and they, have no inability to connect in relationships. The disconnect regarding life, love, and others which we put into our children's minds comes forth from those minds – all while adults encourage, endorse, and support this access to violent media.

   Further, we refuse to reign in the NRA in the United States, and design and manufacture our guns with fingerprint identity technology which specifically activates the gun for the buyer alone. Yes, this technology already exists, but we refuse to use it.

   The value of the US Gaming Entertainment Media Industry is $594.7 billion and children account for 26% of all gamers in the US.

Pornography

    Pornography is destroying our marriages and families, and pornography is child abuse. Today, pornography accounts for 35% of all internet traffic. Yes, 35% of all internet traffic. Some of the most highly searched words are “child” and “teen” and the focus is abuse and bondage.(American Girls, Nancy Jo Sales, 2015)  God help us. God forgive us.

    Utah has declared pornography a crisis. God bless Governor Herbert, he has taken great criticism for doing and saying the right thing, but then doing or saying the right thing has never be easy. When did we begin to think it would be?

   Britain has put family friendly filters on every internet connection – unless you ask for that filter to be removed. WHY don't we do that? Make sure you are filtering your internet! Pornography directly influences the sex trafficking of children and is an abomination. Further, it is destroying our marriages, and it's teaching our children that physical intimacy is about bondage not love, joy, and deep intimacy within a committed relationship. We must say "no" to pornography.

    Internet customers in the UK are prohibited from accessing a range of web sites by default, because they have their Internet access filtered by their ISPs. The filtering program has applied to new ISP customers since the end of 2013, and has been extended to existing users on a rolling basis. A voluntary code of practice agreed by all four major ISPs means that customers have to 'opt out' of the ISP filtering to gain access to the blocked content. (Wikipedia)

   We have not "opted out" of trashing our minds in Oregon. Portland is #1 for sex trafficking and strip clubs in the nation, and Seattle is #3. God help us. God forgive us. It is time for us to wake up and know these facts and to help stop this violence against women, children, and those affected. There is a reason I hold the hands of my children in Portland and Seattle, and you should too.

Legalization and Sale of Marijuana

   The recreational sale and endorsement of marijuana is stealing childhood from our children, it's stealing their parents, and it's stealing their futures as it steals their brain cells. We have a problem people. We have voted this mind destroying drug into our states, streets, and neighborhoods and now your local Parent Teacher Committee is discussing how to keep marijuana laced candy and food products out of the schools and away from children. Are you discussing this at home yet? If not, it's time to engage on the issue. God help us. God forgive us.

    District Attorney Walt Beglau confirmed that one of the top three issues facing Oregon children is the legalization of marijuana. Cases of child abuse and neglect due to marijuana are now flowing into their office. Northwestern University has scientifically proven marijuana fries your brain cells, and now Columbia University is saying marijuana is addictive for at least 20% of the population, and we need to start creating and funding treatment programs for marijuana addicts.

   In a few years we will be sick about what we've done, when a new generation can't hold down a job, live productive lives, and is addicted to much harder drugs. Yes, it's well known: marijuana is a gateway drug, and lastly, the children born under a new marijuana genetic code may potentially need more of society's resources because, yes, marijuana effects sperm health.

The Loss of Children's Privacy Rights

  When a community is closed and fearful of true dialogue where each person is respected, it is a sign of death and not life. ~ Jean Vanier, Becoming Human 
   
   The unprecedented loss of our children's privacy, safety, and respect rights violates all children and steals their childhood. The transgender bathroom access issue is a HUGE issue facing us right now.

   I'm going to give it some weight here because our community is directly dealing with this issue right now in our schools. Please give me some grace, especially if your community is not facing it and you are not actually yet dealing with this.

   In our community, one student's request for full inclusion has been handled very poorly by those who are charged with leading our school district in protecting and respecting all children. Their handling has been a direct and clear misapplication of Oregon law (SB2), which seeks to protect all citizens and children - regardless of sexual orientation.

   The law specifically provides a policy for schools in section 659.850 which says: “Discrimination does not include enforcement of an otherwise valid dress code or policy, as long as the code or policy provides, on a case-by-case basis, for reasonable accommodation of an individual based on the health and safety needs of the individual.”

   I'm aware Americans are deeply divided on whether to provide full inclusion for transgender persons into restrooms and locker rooms, but we must find a way to dialogue and we must find solutions that work for all. I beseech us to have a kind conversation on this issue and to think critically about our decisions for now and for the future.

   I will not address municipal policies here, but only policies which directly effect our schools, and therefore our children, knowing that appropriate solutions must be found to protect transgenders, but solutions for one group cannot endanger our children, who are equally at risk of abuse.

   I believe that no transgender person should have to use a restroom or locker room where they are uncomfortable. Period. We should not force any person to go where they are uncomfortable. Ever.

   However, in considering others, we consider all. We must consider the privacy rights and feelings of our children - just as we are asked to do for transgenders. We must consider the safety of all our children - just as we are asked to do for transgenders. 

   Specifically, since we've been told in our community that any bathroom or locker room in any of our schools is open at any time to anyone of any gender, I want to know that when a 6 year old child stays after school for art class, in a now nearly empty building, with substantially fewer staff on hand, and the building doors are unlocked, that they do not need to worry about encountering someone of the opposite biological sex in their restroom.

    Yes, we have laws against assault, but that still doesn't mean we should create policies that open the doors up to an area where our children are isolated, vulnerable, and not visible to adults, and therefore increase their risk of facing assault or abuse.

    1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime. Their healthcare and mental health costs will be 16% higher over their lifetime. The statistics in the link above are horrifying, including for those of various sexual orientations. Let's not increase this percentage of violence in our society by creating environments with a higher risk of abuse and assault. I beseech us to look at the numbers and acknowledge the pain of sexual assault in a way that leads to solutions for all persons, and protections for all persons. 

   I will only say from personal experience, that if you have ever been abused or molested as a child, this is all that needs to be said. And if you have not been abused as a child, I encourage you to look around you, because the statistics above say that you know someone who has been abused sexually or physically.

   I feel the predominant voices calling for full inclusion fail to either holistically understand, or choose to address, their full inclusion request opens up those restrooms for ANYONE, not just one transgender person, but potentially pedophiles.

   And I am NOT calling transgenders pedophiles, nor will I ever. Everyone is entitled to due process and not to face unfair defamation.

   Further, anyone who has fully made the biological/sex change to the gender where they feel they most are comfortable, appropriately belongs in that restroom or locker room. That is not what I am addressing here.

   I believe because MANY (Christians and non-Christians) have failed to stand against the defamations transgenders do face, recognize they are often bullied, defamed, and face violence, we are struggling to have a conversation that leads to solutions for all. Maybe when we acknowledge their real pain, they will acknowledge our real concerns and our real pain.

   And we must have solutions for all, because we cannot disconnect opening up bathrooms and locker rooms to ANYONE from the very real fact that our children live in a culture saturated with abuse and denigration of their very beings. I cannot disconnect what I see as a Safe Families host mom and just "adjust" to this request when I know it will create more abuse risk for children.

   I do not get the privilege nor the luxury of ignoring the abuse, violence, sex trafficking, and pornography statistics shared above - and neither should you. Regardless of our sexual orientation, we should be FOR the safety of children, and for all person's privacy rights.

   I also want to know that when my child is in a school locker room they are not exposed to the private parts of the opposite biological sex. It seems that privacy of the body is a thing of the past in our culture, or it seems that is being sought, while at the same time we pass stricter drone legislation and stricter privacy laws regarding filming of someone without their consent in a restroom or locker room. (New Oregon laws in 2016)

   Maybe we need to have a conversation about honoring one another's boundaries and bodies. Do we know how to do that in our society any more? I proffer the sexual revolution has not made us more free, nor more healthy. Do we believe we have a right to access another person's body or space? Because that is what we are doing if we pass full inclusion laws.

   Our children deserve their privacy to be protected, and the United Nations agrees. Yes, those are my feelings, and theirs. Let us consider that when we fail to protect our children's privacy and their feelings, and throw them together into restrooms and locker rooms we are not making them equals, nor are we just "teaching our kids to get over it and deal."  We will not buy into that lie. Lack of respect for one group does not beget respect for another group.

   When we force ourselves or our ideas upon another, we as a society are teaching our children not to value another person's body, space, or feelings, because their body is no longer respected, nor their feelings, nor their privacy. This can only bring worse violations of each of us against the other - not love.

   I do not believe full inclusion for transgenders (unless they have made the biological and surgical changes) can advance our society forward in respect, kindness, and love  - because you are taking privacy and rights away from one group in an attempt to give it to another group.

    There must be compromise on both sides, and case by case accommodations can be made and absolutely should be made as mandated in Oregon by SB2. Every person needs to be safe and have their privacy respected. We can do this people with common sense and loving policies!

   Praying about this the other day, this is what I heard:

   The truth of how to resolve these issues is not some high, mighty, and unattainable goal - the truth is in our hearts. The truth says we protect all, and all must seek solutions. The true law we should follow should be written on our hearts - we are to love our fellow human beings, but that does not mean we love one to the exclusion of others. Solutions will require compromises for all and protect all.

   A perfect policy or answer will not arise, but love and kindness from both sides will lead to solutions, and yet policies cannot be ignored. It is the job of government to protect all her citizens, especially her littlest - not just transgender persons.

   And I will just say, because I've done a lot of looking into the law, that Title lX is not a justification for opening up facilities. The 9th Circuit Court said "no" to full inclusion in 2009 in Tempe, AZ on the basis of safety. The Eastern District Federal Court said "no" in Sept. of 2015, telling the US Dept. of Education, "they cannot disinterpet their own regulations for the purposes of litigation." 

  Further, in an Illinois case the Oregonian faultily reported as a "landmark case" the US Dept. of Education settled with the Palatine District (D211) in December of 2015, and the student remains behind a privacy curtain. Privacy for all matters. It is important, and all must be respected. We all should know that D211 worked to meet this student's every request for education, training, conversation, and restroom access within the school. They even gave locker room access, they simply asked that the student remain behind a privacy curtain in that locker room, and the student agreed.

   The United Nations Conventions on the Rights of the Child protects privacy rights for children. Why do we, the most "enlightened" nation on the earth fail to do so?

    In healthy belonging, we have respect for one another. We work together, cooperate in a healthy way, and listen to each other. We learn how to resolve conflicts that arise when one person seeks to dominate another. ~ Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

   We are deeply divided on these issues, but even among the LGBT community there are those that disagree with full inclusion. In all of this, we must find a way to have a loving conversation. I applaud a Lewis and Clark law professor calling us to engage in conversation. Because, well, travel bans are their own kind of bullying and do not lead to thoughtful conversations.


A Call to Action and Preventing Abuse 

   What will you do in the months and years ahead to prevent child abuse in your neighborhood, at your school, and in your community? Have you seen Spotlight the movie? If not, go see it.

   We are all required to do the painful work of stepping up, facing the facts, presenting them, and then preventing abuse. Or God help us, we will have to give an accounting one day to our Lord who loves children and welcomed them.

   And let us not delude ourselves and think the state can care better than caring neighbors and friends, or worse, that it's simply the state's responsibility and not ours. The state's help will always be needed, but we, you and I, are called to act. The government caring for those in need is a relatively young concept. In healthy societies, communities care for their own in need.

   Therefore, we acknowledge 1 in 5 American child lives in poverty and doesn't have enough to eat. When every school in my town is a Title 1 school, that means that even more of those children are hungry in our community - every day. Many of them are also facing homelessness. It is the number three issue facing children today in Marion county. Whether short term or long term, homelessness is impacting our children.

   While I am sober about what our children face today, I choose optimism. We can and must make changes. We need to create an environment where they can say, “When I'm with you, I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed, and I am safe.”* Yet, I want real optimism, not just a happy-go-lucky attitude.

optimism: the belief that good ultimately prevails over evil. ~ Websters

    Good will prevail over evil when you and I act to prevent child abuse. God will prevail over evil when you and I act to prevent child abuse, because we all are children of God, and WE are called to act and be His hands and feet. He gave us this planet and the people in our lives to care for - it's time we did that once more.

   And this is why our family has gotten involved with Safe Families: in order to prevent abuse and get further upstream ahead of the crisis for children and families in crisis. If we prevent one moment of abuse, if we keep a child from foster care for even a weekend, it means something - at least to that one child.

   Now let us act knowing:

   WE, the people, have voted for these violent video games with our dollars.
   WE, the people, have voted with our eyes and dollars for the trash  on the internet.
   WE, the people, voted in the legalization of marijuana.
   WE, the people, have chosen self over our families and their needs. 
   WE, the people, have chosen self over our children and their future.

   It is time WE do something to prevent child abuse. 

Ideas for Acting Upon

   Isn't it true that a change in society depends not only on the work of professionals but on each one of us working together?  ~ Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

   Sponsor a child in your community for a sport, or a season of sports, or several seasons of sports. If needed, help get them there. Give them real games to play, not video games.

   Get thee into the schools and volunteer; they will find a way to use you.

   Sponsor a child, or several for preschool in your community. Headstart is full up and spaces are incredibly hard to get. A child at risk for abuse who is in preschool has two huge advantages: they are now out of a potentially abusive environment several hours each day, and they are learning critical knowledge which will give them a head start when they arrive at school. PLEASE do this. Sponsor an American child in preschool. Contact a local faith based preschool. I promise you they will have a family that comes and cannot put their child in preschool without help. Give a child a chance.

   When you see children enslaved to their phones and their video games, engage them in conversation.

   Check out Safe Families for Children. I like to think of SF as the modern day "Block Home" or "Safe House". They need host families, but they also simply need helping families: families who will invest the time to help another local family in need with a meal or transportation. The children you end up helping are your neighbors but they may live five blocks away or 15 miles away. Yes, you are taking a risk helping those in need, but the risks you end up taking are not the ones you fear.

   Get involved with Portland's homeless youth. Give money to finance youth shelters and help with ministries that reconnect kids with their families, and put pressure on Portland to get rid of her strip clubs.

   If you are not using a filter on your internet and you have children visiting your home and using your phone or computers make sure you are monitoring at all times their computer usage.

   Support a local father in your area, or be a local father in your area to a child who does not have one. Opportunities abound through Boys and Girls Clubs, 4H, or other opportunities for coaching. Today, we have tons of kids who want to participate, and not enough adults to coach them.

   Finally, support a new modern day feminism. A feminism that supports, encourages, and educates women and protects and values the life of their unborn children. Be a voice for the voiceless. Connect with a ministry which ministers to young women who find themselves pregnant. Change a diaper. Change a life. Change lives.

   Be the change you want to see in the world. ~ Ghandi


* When I'm With You, by Citizen Way

Double Rainbows of Grace

    What do you do when the morning greets you with sheer joy? You open wide your arms to embrace the new light coming forth, pink in its wake. You run for the camera. You catch it.  And far too early, you wake children so you can see their smiles open wide with beams of wide stretching hope. And when a 4 year old asks where that rainbow comes from you say, "Water, light and God's heart." It's a sufficient, if simple, answer at an early hour.

    In the midst of a very short Safe Families hosting and feeling blessed. We learn and receive so much by these breathing blessings that come into our lives. 

   Today, I having been pondering the Pope's words with a 4 year old in the back seat. At 4, he knows nothing of the Pope, but he knows he's having a great time, and he has new boots for stomping around after stubborn stray lambs. 

  Sometimes new boots and stubborn little lambs make you feel alive.

You know?

   I've had no great epiphanies today, only rain drops and laughter, cookies and kids. It's been a lovely day. Last night I was pondering children: what to teach them and what to share. These thoughts grabbed me among the bolts of lightening and rolls of thunder in the night.

    I think and I wonder, if the two most powerful things we will ever do for our children will be to teach them about God's love for them, and to get them a library card. Then, maybe, just maybe, one day we will add a third most important thing - having involved our family in helping families in crisis in and around our community.

   Grace guide us on the way. We will soak up every single rainbow You send. We stand astounded at Your double rainbows, and all the hope that falls in rain drops around us. 

~ Kim 

The Questions Book Awards Ask

    I arrived an emotional wreck. I left the memorial service early, an emotional jumble, and arrived in Portland soul scattered. The memorial for Wayne wasn't possible to push out of my mind. Wayne left his mark on the world. Saved by the gift of a new kidney, Wayne literally fed people with heart, soul, and hands. Food and soaking up the words of others were his imprint; his way of saying thank you to God for a new lease on life. Then the unexpected hit him and us: heart attack.

    I'm mad at you God for taking Wayne. His story wasn't over yet. It was just beginning.

    My heart ached as I drove north. “What exactly am I celebrating?” I asked myself as I battled Portland traffic. Stuck in my mind. Stuck in the slow lane. Stuck.

    A 2014 finalist in the Cascade Awards, I was again à table; a 2015 finalist for unpublished children's picture books. Would anything come of the awards banquet, or the presence of my story? Would my stories find their way into a larger world, one bigger than my mind?

    I've certainly asked Him more than a time or two. This God, who plops me in His lap and reads stories to me; He seems to be my only audience. Yet like an eager 4 year old, I try to repeat back my favorite parts, learn them well and remember, and then make them come alive for anyone who will listen. But what will become of these stories? Will they be told by future generations, or simply stay on my hard drive?

    Stilling my soul on the hotel porch, the mighty Columbia River rolled by. While Ipad pings interjected, I sought an inner calm amid the roaring of PDX jets overhead. A Safe Families situation vied for my attention. A message about a family needing to place children in temporary care, and a foster to adoption story, riveted my beating heart. I wanted to be with them in their stories right then, and forgo mine.

    Be still my soul.

    I finally got up and changed, putting on cool but dark summer clothing, i.e., putting on what I hoped would be a class act. I'm pretty sure it failed, and that's fine. I'm definitely not a girl who is driven by her outward appearance. Much of my life is lived in the interior, and I've finally begun to accept and embrace this inner dimension of mine. Sitting in the banquet room, surrounded by linen and china, I put on a smile and tried small talk, but really, I wanted to be headed for a starry hill draped black.

    I wanted to be with Wayne in the community kitchen chopping vegetables. I wanted to be on the phone helping make sure that family found resources for their crisis, and I wanted to meet the young girl who was meeting her adoptive parents for the first time. A young girl who's been in 19 foster homes in 12 young years of life. I wanted to be in the middle of their stories, not mine. I wanted this awards banquet to be dinner at Sylvia Beach Hotel, a haven for readers and writers. Yet here I was with God's story surrounded by a sea of people, and He wasn't parting the sea for me.

    Both the tiny Sylvia Beach Hotel and the massive hotel I was enclosed within perch above mighty waters. Both have dining rooms that birth stories, but are they stories of consequence? Surrounded by glass, tinkling china, and extroverts I wanted to know.

    Surrounded by readers and writers, I wanted to know.“What do you carry in your pockets?” I wanted to ask, “Do you carry precious stones a boy child has given you? Do you carry the ordinary turned extraordinary? What about feathers? Do you?” I wanted to ask, “What are you doing with your one wild and precious life?” If we sat around the table at Sylvia Beach Hotel playing Two Truths and a Lie, what would your truths be and what of your lie? I wanted to ask you how you keep the burning at bay, or if wild words burn a hole in your pocket. Spilling into the world. I wanted to ask if like George Eliot you bear the burden of words with joy or grim determination, or a bit of both. I wanted to say: “Remember you've been given a womb to spiritually carry children, birth, and incarnate stories.”

    I wanted to ask you what makes you afraid. Are you afraid of all the awards represent, or afraid to ask yourself and others if they don't represent anything at all?

    Oh mighty agent and editor, instead of the raging river out the window, I dipped my toes in lukewarm waters and asked, “Do you have hope in the industry?” You said you still loved story, but your eyes seemed doubtful. 

   For what is the recognition of men and mankind when our inner burning is to know and be known? To see and be seen is not what we seek. Is it?

    Receiving my award, I rose awkwardly early. He was still reading the text of Callie's story, and poorly at that. I arrived on the platform a nervous mess, but trying to trust. I left that night a nervous mess, trying to trust. I came for dinner and left after worship. I didn't stay for the key noter. I'm sure it was lovely, but another story called me. 

   That story had me unloading sweet alfalfa from the back of my rig for still sweeter lambs and sitting under twinkling stars. That story had me sitting under the Perseid meteor shower, pondering what's a life well lived, and worshipping the Creator of my stories in the black of night, and doubt. Maybe I should have stayed.

    Maybe I should have attended all week. Would my story have found its break and opening if I'd been more present? Yet conference fees are extremely high, and I wasn't sure my tribe was in Portland. One pays those high conference and hotel fees for two reasons: If your tribe is found by the river, and if you know your story will find its path by your presence à table. I was sure of neither. I write children's stories, and the Christian market is not risking upon children right now, or unknown children's authors. But children are my whole life. Right now. Safe Families, my own family, and my stories are all about and for children.

    Oh mighty agent and editor, at linen cloth and crystal cup, you made it known you only want authors with an existing platform, memoirs appealing. Yet if authors are called to risk writing the words God has given them, should you not risk supporting them? Is the book industry, secular or religious, for author's and stories and souls these days, or just a machine? The world is watching. Us. I show up and write, but I cannot sell my soul to tell a story, or sell story that is not sacred. Are we selling souls or blessing souls? The exclusivity of God¹ must sit ever on the page. It must be first.

    Will my award propel Callie forward? I don't know. I believe God propels words forward in the world, in their write time. Book awards are not trophies, but maybe they're a recognition of beginnings. I'm thankful for the award. I'm thankful for the lovely editors and agents who judged my work worthy of winning. I'm thankful for the recognition of new beginnings, and I have hope the ending is being written by the Great Storyteller and the pliant hand that picks up the pen.

    Out the window of the large Red Lion, a bridge spans the Columbia River and I ask, "Are we are bridges?" I wonder if anything I write, or we write, will stand the test of time. Will our words, my words, withstand a shaking? Will the bridges we build in this world hold up for crossings into another world? The other world. I hope the collective community of writers upon the shores of the river, in a man made palace of glass, breathe in and out streams of refreshing words. And may those words wash over mankind. May they stand. May they prevail.

    And so today, I get up and write. Crumbs lay all around me in the coffee shop. I'm a messy writer. I want more. I want food and story to mean something. Like at Sylvia Beach, the Red Lion, or Fishtrap, I want conversation and deep connections long after dinner is over.

   And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings. 

 

~ Meister Eckhart

1Walter Brueggman, Sabbath as Resistance

Safe Families: Where Christians, Christ, and Our Culture Intersect

God sets the lonely in families.
Psalm 68

    I am a Safe Families Host Mom. I am one of many moms in the Willamette Valley standing with Safe Families. Our families, stand with and for the orphan and the widow; we stand with the fatherless. Indeed, Safe Families and our families desire to push back fatherlessness, but we can only continue this work if the Church is standing behind us, and so I ask: Is the Church standing behind Safe Families?

    Our family joined Safe Families because Safe Families is Christ's power at work to prevent homelessness, divorce, drug addiction, abuse, and many other wounds that trouble our communities today. Let's face it, these wounds trouble our families.

    And we ask: Will today's children see the Church as relevant in their future? It's a very real fact that while generous, participating in backpack give aways, Sunday School, and coat collections will likely not be enough to keep my children focused on Jesus. The very lives Christ breathes into, so often are blown away by the winds of our cultures' brokenness. For many, current church programs are band aids on the wounds of the world, not radical acts of healing offering relational depth.

    Safe Families offers hope through Christ for families by families. Safe Families is Jesus' saving grace at work through Jesus' hands and feet: you and I.

   I'd like to invite you to look through the looking glass of some Safe Family Children we have hosted.

    I am Jose. My mother left me, and my father's in jail. Adults think my mom did drugs when she was pregnant with me. I'm seven, and I've been sexually abused by someone close to me. I'm too young to understand what happened, but I'm working on it. My doctor says I have ADD, and I take medicines to sleep at night and concentrate during the day. A Safe Family took me in for the weekend, so my aunt and uncle could go on their first date in three years. I played outdoors all weekend. We went for a hike at the Basket Slough, and I ate some new foods. I overcame fears, like the whirring of the bathroom fan, and I went to bed on my own. I didn't even cry myself to sleep; I was so tired. The boy I stayed with, we share the same birthday. They said it was one of those “God-things.” What's that?

    H.E.N.R.Y. I'm Henry, and I'm three. I talk a lot. I like words. I'm working on saying M.i.s.s.i.s.s.i.p.p.i. I can spell it, and one day I'll be able to say it too. I can count to 50, and I know all my letters and sounds. You said I was super bright. Did you mean like a light? I heard you talking about something called preschool at a nearby church. I'd love to go. I like to read! Could you tell mommy how to take me there? Here's my new book from Sunday School. It says, P.S.A.L.M. 9.1 on it. I like my name on my book! It's mine, but I'll share!

    I'm Gunnar. I'm the oldest brother in a bunch of boys; They are really my half brothers, but I love them a lot.

    I didn't see this coming. I didn't know about foster care and DHS. I'm glad a Safe Family offered to keep us.

    I was pretty anxious, but I did my best to hide it. I worked hard to use manners. I wanted to impress you. You treated me like one of your kids. I liked going to soccer with your son, and doing all the stuff you do. Thanks for listening and not laughing, when I cried about my mom. Thanks for telling me about all the problems your family has overcome. It made me feel okay.

    I am still wondering about a few things. Like, do I really need meds? My mom didn't mean to forget them when she packed us up and took us to the hospital with that note, but I learned I was okay without them, at least for awhile. Maybe some day I could go off them. I thought it was weird you don't have tv, but I did fall asleep without it. Listening to P.G. Wodehouse can make anyone fall asleep! I learned to pray, and I think God might actually listen to me.

    Thanks for taking Henry and I to church. I'd like to talk about that sometime. I hear Christians talk about getting saved. I don't really get it. You say it's when Jesus moves into your heart, but didn't Jesus save people with His hands and feet?

    Isaiah 58 calls us to repair broken down walls, and to be a restorer of streets to dwell in. Safe Families invites you, needs you and your Church to vote for Jesus with your hands and feet, not just your hearts, and to participate in the building and rebuilding of our streets and neighborhoods. This is Kingdom work, peace making work. If our children one day call the Lord blessed, if they dwell in peace, it will be because we put our hands and feet to the same tasks our Lord lived. 

*Shared at a Safe Families Faith Forum in Salem, Oregon July 2015 

We Wish

    We wish upon dandelions, and watch their seeds float away. You are the seed. Will you take root somewhere and thrive? Will you be hardy or hardened to your world?

  There are no words for the gut ache one feels when sending children off into a world where they are not safe. Not unless the One watches over them and leads them through. Saves them.

   After eight days and goodbyes, my heart is a jumble of, "Why and what are you going to do about them God?" I'm reminded of the answer we got months ago which was, "You. You are what I'm going to do about them." And it hurts to have your heart broken. It's hard to let go and let God, knowing the future of precious ones is in His hands, and so often those hands are on human flesh and are part of broken world systems.

   You child, are a seed buried, in what's going to be really rough ground for awhile. The slope is rocky and the ascent is up. Pray for wings.  

"Give them wings, God. Give them wings to soar."

   I realized this weekend that when we gather with others who are also making a difference for kids, who also are involved in their communities, I find it's easier to talk about broken systems and poor communication than the children. It's easier to talk about anything but your brothers and you, and all the children just like you. Children who may well be fighting for safe their whole lives.

   We certainly don't sit around the dinner table and talk about what we whisper in your ear in sacred moments. We don't mention sacred conversations where we pray, where we hope that hope was imparted. Yes, we are trying to whisper "hope" with every breath.

    There are dreams and wishes we wish for you. Sometimes, I think we are afraid of talking about them lest the power of the dreams and prayers fall away as you go. The wishes we wish for you feel like wind, so easily slipping through our fingers, just as you do. I have no clue where you are going, and you float off too soon.

   The quiet moments with you are the most difficult to reflect upon. Moments where we sought to throw you an anchor in the storm of now, and also an anchor for the stormy days ahead. This time around, nothing prepared me for how I need my own anchor at your going. The questions toss me about.

   Will you remember this is not a lesson for you? You wanted to know if it was all a lesson for you. "No, this is not a lesson, but yes it's an earthquake right now. The ground is shaking, but God is in your shaking world. He is with us. He promises not to leave nor forsake us." Will you remember the prayers spoken over you? Will you remember the broken oak? How her heartwood just split in two, but that the potential for even more life comes from those twisted limbs on the ground?

   Will that trip to OSU mean anything to you? Will all those machines, gadgets, and people become an embedded memory that one day leads you to wide open spaces of learning? You were wide eyed with wonder. Might you be college bound someday because of one short visit to see an Engineering Expo? Will that math dictionary stay with you? Will you use it? Will you remember, “You are strong, good, loving, and going to be a great builder with your hands and be a leader of people?”  Can words overcome the mess of your daily world?

   As a writer, I ask, "Are words enough?" Immediately, I know they are not. Words are powerful only when framed with a hug, a laugh, a bowl of food, and a warm bed. Words are powerful only when embraced within the gift of presence.

   We offered presence as best we could, now I will hold close sacred words and secret conversations, while the bars rattle all around you. I will keep praying for you and your brothers. I will write your names down in my book of remembrance. From a distance, I will keep speaking into your fears and pushing them back.

   Remember child. Remember us. Remember God cares. Remember this is not a lesson for you. This is not your fault. Remember we are praying. Remember you are going to change your world with that beautiful broken heart. Remember to guard your heart.  Remember to dance. 

Advent Advances

How is it that walking into the dark, 
we are really walking into the Light?

Our family continues to walk forward with Safe Families. The new year will eventually hold new kids in our home. Right now, we must get off our duffs and finish our paperwork, a Christmas gift for our Lord. We are no Magi. We have nothing sweet, nor expensive for the Babe, but we have space. We can make room for one more weary head in our home. So, we walk into the dark, following the Light.

The shepherds quaked this year. No jest. One hit the deck, and he wasn't decking the halls. Maybe the cold night got him, or maybe he was in the barn struggling with a bad head cold, but quaking shepherds are real. Sometimes they look a lot like us.

Last week, a quaking threatened. Chaos sought us. In our home, in our community, and in our tummies. Because when we walk into the dark carrying the Light, in spite of our brokenness, because of our brokenness, we face an enemy who wishes to push us back into our dark places and dark spaces. "Get back into your dingy dark hole." he says.

Our enemy knows that when we bravely step out of our darkness, when we look up, we are given a Flame. The Flame that illumines a pathway to God. Ironically, this Flame most often leads us right back into the darkness, theirs and ours. Yet now, we hold the Flame. We are lit by the Light. The Flame burns  within and throughout our night.

Last week, Flame, God, Manna met with us, and we trekked to First Lego League qualifiers, not to Seattle Children's. God met a real need. The Flame bid us, "take off your sandals and praise in this wilderness." Manna consumed, healed. While we quaked, sustenance arrived in a manger. We only needed to walk with the Light. This week? We're still working on our chaos. Darkness ever threatens, but we know: the Light overcomes.

 So, let us walk towards the Light, like the shepherds. 

And let us carry the Light within, like Mary.

God of the Manger and God of the Barn, God of Manna with ministering hands, Flame of Fire and Light of Mankind, consume our darkness. Bring your light into our world, into our quaking and into our breaking. Let us carry your light, until it streams into a broken world and makes whole the weary, wandering, and woeful. Us. 

Light of Mankind, never give up on us. Meet us at the manger. We come empty handed, but quaking we come. Fill us dear Shepherd, that in turn, we may feed your sheep and give them a place to lay their weary heads. This Advent, help us look for your light and your life. Surely, we will find you in a dark space filling a manger, Manna for mankind.

‘My people are so poor, that God can only appear to them in the form of a piece of bread.’ ~ Ghandi